What in hell am I doing with all these words?

Eye contact with passerby
your velocity is negative to mine
moving in opposite directions
That ear bud connection keeping us separate.
"What are you thinking?"
I hold it as long as possible
It's soup-can direct
between windows to the soul
so tense you can feel the vibrations
Let's play it like a banjo
sing a little song in this moment we shared
Hey dilly-dally, we're crossing the line
Crossing this campus and walkin' so fine
Yeah, it's corny, but that's why we keep walking
We power through that scary contact.

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I sometimes wish I were more musically inclined. Sometimes, I get these songs in my head and they're epic, right? Just so effing over the top amazing, but I can't write music. I can't compose and translate these brainwaves into sound waves.

So I dance. People catch me at it all the time. When my mind is elsewhere, my hands start to flail and gesticulate. Here's the tinkle of a piano, there's the wailing thrum of a violin. Up and down and right and left in sharp staccato movements.

I can't control it. I don’t want to. It keeps it from overwhelming me, this music. Is this what Kreisler feels like? Is this the sound of the tapeworm speaking in my head?

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I realized today that I'm terrified of eating disorders. We were watching a documentary on anorexia during my Psych 101 class, and something about it made me royally uncomfortable. It wasn't until I was walking out of the room, leaving early to start my crew workout before Parasites, that I realized how deeply this had affected me.

They kept talking about how for people with eating disorders, it's about control, about being able to affect and manage one part of your life when everything else has gone to shit. It's an obsessive compulsion.

This probably speaks greatly to my idiosyncrasies and the ways in which my particular obsessive compulsions manifest themselves, but for me, control means I have to eat right. I have to do my best to be healthy, no, to be more than healthy, and I'm constantly paranoid that I'm not.

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While I'm here making all sorts of confessions…

There are days when I feel intellectually dwarfed in this Parasites class. Who am I? What the hell do I know?

do you even know what the fuck you're talking about half the time you say it? or do you just like to use big words in a seemingly arbitrary order and confuse people into thinking you're hella smart?

I try pretty hard not to talk if I don't know what I'm saying and will freely admit that I don't necessarily know and am only offering my best guess. Really, it depends on the subject.

And if I'm going to use big words in a seemingly arbitrary order, it's not to confuse people into thinking I'm smart. It's just to confuse people.

Whoever asked me this on Formspring clearly knows how to get under my skin. I'm good at projecting confidence when I need to, and even believing in that illusion to the point where I actually am confident in myself as I speak, but there's always that lingering doubt, the insecurity biting at the back of my mind.

It's why when my voice falters and I'm often so much quieter when I speak in front of the class. I'm taking the time to connect the words and thoughts I'm trying to use so that I can say them right the first time.

And there are days like today, when I feel more active, when I have the desire to talk, but that's usually because I see my place. I see where I fit in and how I can use myself as a tool to facilitate and further the conversation.

Half the time it's not about knowing anything. It's about being able to put the pieces together, to draw lines between everything said on plurk, in class, in blogs, in the readings and even in previous quarters. It all connects. It has to. Doesn't it?

Why do I spend so much energy seeing these connections? If this is one giant connect the dot, I'm the tip of the pencil right now. I can't see the big picture until it's complete.